| | ...am I? Forgettable I mean....am I?
When I was working at the movie theater it took a while before I would
ask people I recognized if they remembered me because I didn't want
their answer to be "no." In college, I have found that after a
performance I need the validation of a "good job."Most actors like to
have this but not because I sometimes need it as a reminder that people
remembered me/my performance. Although, I will say that more recently I
have been very good about not fishing for the "good jobs" and it has
made me feel even better because now I'm not talking to people to get
that, but rather they are complimenting me of their own free will and
it is much more validating. I don't doubt that the people who
complimented me before meant it, but now I don't search for it so that
is definite growth for me.
Anyway, where this all stems from. I haven't felt this forgettable
feeling in a long time-until Friday. I was in directing class and I was
acting in another director's scene and left the room while he got
directing notes from our professor. Well, he forgot to come get me
until they were into the next scene. It didn't really make me mad and I
was in a good mood so I saw the humor in it at the time but then later
it made me wonder: how does somebody just forget someone else like
that? It was unintentional and I don't blame him because I'm not mad
and it was a mistake, the rest of class was just going with the flow of
the scenes (these have been what I use to reassure myself with this
weekend) but the professor (who I really like and respect and who likes
me and has had me as a student before and cast me in a show) forgot. I
don't think a professor should forget a student like that I think that
is what really got to me. I mean, he apologized...I know it was an
honest mistake but it made me wonder. Like today I was in a meeting for
a creative inquiry class and we had some guests in and we were having a
discussion and I gave my 2 cents and then I wondered "will they
remember me? Because I haven't participated as much as some other
people in this discussion." I'll go a while without feeling this
way or realizing that I feel this way and then one little thing will
trigger me and in every social situation I can't help but wonder.
Sometimes it's specific people who do little things or don't do things
that were never meant to affect me (like forgetting to say bye, or not
hearing me when I say hello) but it still affects me.
I don't really know what else to say....that's been on my mind so I
thought I would write about it. I am growing a lot right now but it's
sort of in progress so I'll tell you about that another time. I guess I
just need reassurance. When I do ask people if they recognize me from
wherever, I've never had anyone say no.....knock on wood.
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| | Posted 9/17/2007 12:20 AM - 13 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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